Tribute To My Mom

I know I'll never be able to put into words how I feel about my Mom, nor how much I desperately miss her. But I know that writing helps me move through my grief -- it helped me with my miscarriages and the loss of my kitties, so I'm going to try and write now.

One of my earliest memories of my Mom is of her warmth. Whenever she would put me to bed and we would say our prayers, she would rub my back or stroke my hair, and her hands were warm and would soothe me. When we were in church, she would put her arm around me during the sermon and when it was over, I would miss her arm because it was so warm and comforting. Even when I got older, I loved to get hugs from my Mom and cuddle with her. She was a warm person, loving and unconditionally accepting of all people and all things. She loved without reservation. Even when us kids got under her skin, were terribly mouthy and caused trouble, she loved us.

My Mom was patient and kind. She got frustrated, of course. When I went into the nursing home field in graduate school, we would exchange stories about stressful times -- but despite those stresses, she was patient with her residents and didn't raise her voice, didn't tell them she wouldn't help them, none of that. She went out of her way to do things other nurses wouldn't do, like change a dirty undergarment or hold someone's hand. Her residents loved her. She was so proud when she earned employee of the month at her last work site, and that card is still hanging up in her room at home.

Mom at her dorm room in Beloit

I hope my Mom knows how proud of her I am. I told her, over and over again. She went back to work when we were all in high school, and then went back to school. She had always wanted to be a nurse, and finally got to fulfill her dream. She worked HARD in school -- she struggled to keep up with the younger kids, and felt her memory wasn't good enough. But she kept working and not only did she get her LPN and her RN, but she was close to the top of her class. She LOVED working as a nurse. I think this is one of the reasons she was so depressed after she broke her femur and learned that she wouldn't be able to work again. For some reason after that surgery to repair the leg, she never was able to breathe easily again (not that the long years of smoking didn't probably add to the damage) and had to go on oxygen 24-7, and her breathing progressively got worse. She couldn't crochet, she couldn't play with her grandkids, and she restricted herself to the home because she was embarrassed about the oxygen tubing and her weight.

Mom at her RN graduation with Dad

But she was getting better after Emma's birth. We brought her a new computer in June when we went home for Emma's baptism, and just recently (maybe September?) Dad got her high-speed internet. She was able to Skype with us frequently -- almost every-other night -- and got to see Emma walking, playing, talking, and interacting with her. I loved it because I was able to see her and touch base with her often, hear what was going on at the farm and how she'd been doing. For the first time since I moved to Ohio, I felt re-connected with her. Emma recognized her too. We'd say "where's Grandma?" and she'd go to the computer and wave. She even would say "Hi Grandma" in her own way. It broke my heart when we went to the funeral home to see Mom for the last time, and Emma not only recognized her, but waved at her.

There are a million stories, a million reasons why I love my Mom. A few years ago I wrote "100 reasons I love my Mom," printed it out and gave it to her as a gift. I'm glad I did that before it was too late. Maybe I'll post it here someday. My heart breaks every time I think about her being gone. It was just 2 weeks ago this evening that I talked to her for the last time, and then a few hours later, she was gone. I miss her SO much.

Am I ok? No, not really. I will be someday. But for right now, I'm just lost without her.

Mom's RN graduation picture