Today is Infant Loss and Remembrance Day. I'm supposed to light a candle for each of my losses at 7pm to participate in the wave of light around the world. Except at 7pm I was putting my one living angel to bed, and I don't have 6 candles in the house. Not even close.
But I remember. I will ALWAYS remember. And my heart breaks every time I remember my six children that never made it past the first trimester.
I had my HSG this past week. Everything looked great -- no scar tissue and both tubes open. I got my bloodwork results back also. My FSH looked reasonable (5.6 instead of 9.9 like it was at its highest) but my AMH was terrible. Significantly bad -- 0.4. "Normal" is 2-3. It means I virtually have NO ovarian reserve left. Devastating to hear, and I haven't been myself since I learned this information. I've got to grieve the loss of my dream, my life-long dream of having two children running around and watching them grow and be there for each other. At this point we can't even afford adoption. Joe still doesn't have a job after 5 months, and things don't look hopeful.
Miracles happen, I know they do. I've got one sleeping upstairs right now. Maybe we'll get lucky again, or maybe we'll muddle through and this one amazing little girl will be all we can handle.
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