I was waiting to miscarry my first child.
I can't believe it's been 5 years. My heart still breaks when I think about our first little one. At 8w1d we had an on-time baby with a strong heartbeat. 10 days later, we went to the ER and found our little one was gone. 3 days after that, I had a D&C.
Have I healed? Maybe some. I don't cry every day, but I do think about that first baby every day. Those were the only ultrasound photos of a loss I had kept, and it was the loss that shattered my innocence. Little did I know that my heart would keep breaking over and over and over again.
It's been 6 years since we started trying to have a baby.
5 years since our first loss.
3 years since Emma was born.
Almost 1 year since our last chemical pregnancy loss.
And 12 days since Aaron entered our lives outside my womb.
I'm glad the roller coaster is over. As I listen to my new son squirm around, grunt and cry, watch him taking in the world around him, and enjoy the sight of his big sister cuddling with him in the morning, I know the pain was worth it. But boy, was it hard. So very, very hard.
I miss all 9 of my babies, no matter how long or short those pregnancies were. Each and every one of them were desperately wanted and loved. I wish I knew what they would have been like, had they grown up. I wish I could have named them. I hope they knew how much they were loved, even in their short presence here on earth.
No matter how much time goes by, and how busy I get with my two amazing kids, I will never forget. Ever.
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