10 Weeks

Where has time gone? Big boy is over 14 pounds! I haven't weighed him for a while since we've all been so sick. He had bronchitis and RSV, Emma had a cold and cough, and both adults had bronchitis and other random sickness. But we're getting better. I knew he wasn't feeling good because he stopped smiling for 4-5 days... and now he's back to giving us these. Adorable.

Huge Day!

We had some great things happen today -- I haven't had time to upload pictures, but will try to do so tomorrow.

* She found her thumb today! It was accidental, but I was holding her and she was sooooo quiet, and when I looked down, she had her thumb in her mouth. It was adorable.

* She figured out how her fists work today, and is grabbing with probably 50% accuracy. She'll typically hook things with her thumb and then curl her fingers around them.

* She's been grabbing her hands, and almost getting her fingers together.

* She recognizes the difference between the word "kiss" and "kick." There's a funny story I'll tell later, and maybe take a video.

* She had yellow poo! Not sure if it's because she's finally done with the virus, or the fact that Mommy has eaten squash (butternut, acorn, and spaghetti .... all roasted in the oven, so very tasty!) for 4 days in a row, OR if it's because we finally gave her some vitamin drops.

It's amazing to watch her processing things, and you can see the light in her eyes as things "click." She makes me so happy. :)

Shhhhhhh.....

We're on 30 minutes of being asleep by ourselves in the bassinet.... crossing my fingers it lasts for at least 45 more minutes.

Oh crud, I may have jinxed myself. She's squirming.

Deep Breath

It was NOT a good night or morning....

* We tried to put her in her bassinet for the first portion of last night. She must have suspected something was up because she wouldn't fall asleep while being rocked like she normally does, and she was very fussy. It took until 8:30 and Daddy rocking her before she fell asleep, then we transferred her into the bassinet -- she lasted there for 10 minutes before she woke up and was crying. It took until 9pm to get her to sleep again.

* After an initial 2.5 hours of sleep, she was up almost every hour, squirming and whimpering. Then she'd let out a big fart, and immediately start to cry. It sounded like it really hurt her. It took a long time of patting her and cuddling to get her to calm down and go back to sleep. So none of us got a good night of rest.

* The first thing Mommy discovered when we got out of bed this morning is that Aunt Flo decided to come for her first post-partum visit. 10 weeks, 5 days after delivery, AND I'm breastfeeding! I had no tell-tale dip in my supply (thank goodness) but I should have noticed when my skin did it's normal thing and I've been extra moody lately.

* Then we decided to try the bottle. OMG, I hate bottle feeding. She was giving the hunger cues, so we got the bottle of breastmilk out of the fridge and started heating it up. It took FOREVER to heat it up! By the time it was ready, she was practically hysterical. But she ate 1.5 ounces of breast milk from the bottle for Mommy, so at least I know she'll take it.

Ironically enough, she fell asleep at the bottle, so I laid her down in her crib and thought I'd go get breakfast. 5 minutes later she was up and crying, so I picked her up and breastfed her, and she ate readily, then fell right back asleep and is now out on my chest, poor thing. Just too much going on. I'm happy that she takes right to the breast after a bottle though.

I foresee a nap in everyone's future today!

At 10 weeks, 4 days...

We're doing ok! She's still eating every 2-3 hours, and last night towards morning, she was eating every hour! But Joe came in and helped for a while, so I got a little more sleep. We all took a nap this morning, which also helped.

Yesterday we went to visit one of Mommy's facilities, and spent a couple of hours visiting. We had such a nice time, and Emma really enjoyed the staff.

Here she is, right before we left. She's wearing the lovely bonnet that Steph knit for her!



With Martha, one of the social workers.... right after I snapped the picture, apparently she gave the hugest smile!



And this morning, resting in Daddy's arms, watching the fan. She loves watching that fan!



Just a couple of random things.... we've tried the bottle a couple of times today, and she's really not taken to it. I guess we keep trying and trying and trying. I'm still secretly proud of her for not wanting to take it, but I know she eventually *has* to.

I've decided to stay in my current position, and stay focused on the clinical work I do. I WILL make it work, no matter how difficult it may be. Joe and I will figure out a way to coordinate schedules and daycare, and we'll survive.

I'm desperately in love with my little girl. I love waking up in the morning (or the middle of the night) and having her snuggled next to me. I love being able to provide her with all her nourishment and comfort her when she is upset. I know myself well enough to know the struggle that is ahead of me with daycare and pumping and such, but I will manage.

And last, but probably not least, I reserved three books at the library to hopefully pick up in the next few days -- two on post-partum depression and one on making a marriage work with a baby. I'm hoping to find some insights and positive things in each to help me. I don't know if I'd call what I'm feeling PPD or PPA (anxiety) or just normal mommy feelings, but I know that I need to keep reaching out for whatever help I can get so we can get through the next month!

Tummy Time

We're getting better at it! These videos are smaller, so should upload faster.

Routine Day

We've had a run-of-the-mill day today, I think. She had a great night.... slept from 8pm to 7am, needed a diaper change at 10:30pm, 2:45am, 3:15am (she had a post-BF poo), and 5am. She ate during all those times too. I actually got some good sleep in between the BF and diaper changes.

Today we took our mini-nap from 8:30 to 9, then the BIG nap from 10:30 to 1:30 (wow!), and then she had a couple of cat naps. We didn't get our second big nap until just now -- she's been down since about 5:15pm on my chest and I plan on rousing her around 6:15 so I can change a diaper and eat.

We're still counting down to our first day away from each other... I'm still very anxious about the whole situation, but everyone I've talked to has been very supportive. I just know it'll be hard, but it'll get better.

Here she is during her mini-nap! She loves all her Aunties!!

The Swing

Thank goodness for it, otherwise I wouldn't have gotten anything done this morning. I feel guilty about using it because she cries initially, then gets a very sad & disappointed look on her face, and then she falls asleep (which throws off our nap schedule), but when Joe is in bed, I've got to have some way to get things done. But while she's been swinging, I got breakfast made, all the dishes done, bills paid and in the mailbox, pumped 8oz of breastmilk, updated my vita and sent it out, and responded to student emails. I should try to nap -- I couldn't fall asleep last night, despite how tired I was, so it was after midnight when I finally did ... she was up at 2, 4, and 5:30 to eat and after the 5:30 feeding and diaper change, she was WIDE awake again.

Here's a video of the sweet pea in her swing.... I've stopped it swinging for the time being, so I think she'll wake up pretty soon and then hopefully stay up until her 10am nap.

What a Difference...

a year makes! One year ago today, we had our IUI on our most expensive infertility cycle to date (injectables) and I was feeling hopeful, only to have my hopes dashed just two weeks later. Today I am holding my little girl in my arms, and feeling blessed to have her.



Unfortunately, I'm struggling a lot with my emotions right now. On one hand, I want her to be able to sleep and play without me so that she'll transition well to day care, but on the other hand, I really love being able to be there for her and provide her all the love and care she needs. I cried tonight when she fell asleep in the swing, rather than in my arms. Stupid, right? As we get closer and closer to the time I need to return to work and she goes to someone else during the day, I get sadder and more anxious. I know I'll adjust, but it just seems so difficult right now. :(

Strange Night

I've been up since 4am, and once again, everyone else in the house is asleep except me. Although Daddy did come and help out at 5:30 so I could get some sleep, I just couldn't. However, I feel like we had a breakthrough last night! As normal, she fell asleep on Mommy around 7:30 and she slept there until we transferred her to bed around 10:45. She got a diaper change at that point, a TRIPLE-stuffed diaper! Yes, it had two microfiber inserts plus a hemp insert on top. She roused at 1am, 3:30am, 5am and 6am to eat (she usually goes every 2-3 hours, so not sure what was going on with that) but was not wet enough to wake up or squirm for her diaper to be changed.

At 6:15am, she finally needed to be changed and boy, was that diaper heavy! Yes, we actually weighed it -- the triple-stuffed diaper itself weighed 6.5 oz, the soaked diaper weighed 13oz!! And yet her skin stayed mostly dry. I am so impressed.

Daddy watched her while I ate breakfast and pumped, and then they both went back to bed. She's napping in her crib (YAY!!) and he's in bed. I got 7.5 oz out of both breasts this morning, which puts me at officially 100.5 oz of breastmilk in the freezer. I'm so happy about that! I should try to take a nap while everyone else is asleep, but I thought I'd update here and then try to nap a little later. I am completely exhausted.

Between 4am and 5:30am, I did a lot of thinking again. I thought a lot about Emma's namesake -- her Great-Grandma Emma, and how I wish they could have met. Grammy (as we called her) was a neat person, but died in the 80's. She would have turned 98 this year, if she were still alive.

I also thought about how conflicted I feel about some things with our Emma. I'm SO proud of breastfeeding and cloth diapering our child, but I feel so confused about the co-sleeping. On one hand, I love co-sleeping... I love cuddling with her, and being able to immediately feed her when she needs it, and comforting her when she's restless. But I think I really need my space in bed, and to sleep in a position where I'm not worried about squishing her, and I also am someone uncomfortable because all the "experts" say that co-sleeping is a bad thing (despite most of the Moms I've talked to saying they've co-slept at one point or another). I fear that when she starts day care in 2 weeks, she's not going to nap or take a bottle there and just scream bloody murder the entire time she's away from Mommy. It's just going to break my heart.

*sigh* We'll figure it out eventually. My little angel is 10 weeks old today. It does not seem possible that she's already this old!