January 2012 Videos

Just a sampling for everyone to enjoy:

Dancing one evening before bed



Reading in her recliner



Feeding chocolate pudding to Daddy



"Reading" Brown Bear (she's got it memorized)

Stay Warm!

Baby, it's cold outside. :)

*sigh*

We just learned today that we're losing pregnancy #10. This is our 9th miscarriage. Granted, the last 3 have been "chemical" pregnancies (I'm only 4w4d along) but in my heart, they were still babies.

Both Joe and I aren't sure how much longer we can try, but I have to. I need to know I did everything I could to have the second child that I feel would add to our family. If it doesn't happen in the next 6 months, then we're done.

I wish we could afford IVF. It feels like that would be easier, even though I know it wouldn't. It really sucks to be infertile.

So Many Things

It's been a busy start of the year... I can't even tell you how busy we've been. But lots of fun. We've gone to the zoo 4 times since the start of the year -- I even made "Zoo Cakes" one morning before heading to the zoo!! (pancakes that spelled out zoo)



Classes started (teaching 6 classes plus 2 days of clinical work) and life keeps moving. I'll be going to DC in March for a meeting, and probably again in the summer. Then in August, I'll head to Orlando for another conference. I don't like being so busy sometimes, but I also want to be a good role model for Emma. We try to save our weekends for something special, like today.

We started the day with eggs benedict. It was SO tasty! Emma really loved it.



Then we headed out to the zoo, despite it being only 20 degrees and snowing. Only about 10 other people were there! But we got to see Hank, the new elephant. He's HUGE! 15,600 pounds and 9 1/2 feet tall. He's 24 years old and here to see if he can make a baby. :) This is only his 2nd day out for public viewing.



We came home and had a good nap, and after nap, we got a fire burning and then Mommy made Moroccan Lentil stew. We had a picnic on the living room floor in front of the fire with our bread and stew, and Emma thought that was the coolest thing ever! After dishes were all done, we went to Graeters to get some ice cream and let Emma play on the indoor play area.

All in all, a really family-oriented, nice day.

She's growing, my little bean buritto! Hard to believe how different she is from the little girl I gave birth to. But I just adore how she's growing and changing.

I love you big girl!!


Hat is courtesy of my friend Nina, who hand-made it for Emma's 2nd birthday!

Emma Dancing

Emma loves dancing to Daddy's new "Union" CD.

Goodbye 2011

Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

2011 was a rough year, to say the least. I'm not sad to see it gone, in a way. The year started out with my Mom dying unexpectedly. I'm fearing January 3rd, just because it will be the one year mark of when she died, and I'm not ready for that milestone. I lost 4 babies this year -- the most I've ever lost in one year (2 chemicals and 2 lost at 9 weeks). Joe stopped going to school without completing his Ph.D. and struggled to find a job with his Master's, so was unemployed for 5 1/2 months. His health has been poor all year, and he had surgery on his neck just 3 months ago. It's still not 100%.

But in all of it, there has been one consistent bright spot, and that is my Emma bean. She is my angel, my hope, my love, my light. She is independent and attached, all at the same time. I'm so blessed to have her in my life.

I hope that for everyone, 2012 brings light and joy. I hope and pray 2012 brings us a healthy pregnancy and sibling for Emma. Most of all, I hope that 2012 brings peace in our little family. God knows we need it.

Happy 2 Years!

My amazing, gorgeous, smart, wonderful little girl is 2 years old today! Where did the time go? What happened to my little snuggly, squishy baby? Now she's a talking, running, busy little girl. I can't figure out where the last 2 years went, but I know I'm grateful for every single moment I've had with her.



Happy Birthday my Emma bean.... I love you so very much!!

2 Year Pediatrician Appointment

Emma is 34 inches tall (75th percentile), 24 1/2 pounds (15th percentile) and meeting her developmental milestones. Her bottom 2-year molars are peeking through and she has a bit of walking pneumonia. The pediatrician is happy with her development! She seemed happy and excited that we were still breastfeeding and didn't even talk with me about stopping. We can go in for a 2 1/2 year appointment if we want, but basically we're in the clear until she's 3.

Exploration

Sorry there haven't been many posts lately -- I'm buried in work, 50+ hours a week, and just getting my head above water now. Emma is almost 2 years old and I feel like I've missed virtually the last year of her life because of work. I like my career, but I hate that I'm away from her so much.

We do get moments like these though, and it makes it all worth it.

Where Does Time Go?

Somehow time is flying by, and I haven't even had time to post pictures or update on here.

I've got pictures from the Open House that the OSU Farms had and we attended, but the network drive isn't on so I'll have to wait until later to upload them. We've been so busy. I can't even say how many hours a week I'm working.

We fly to DC for one of my lovely meetings this coming weekend. I'll be there Thursday night late through Sunday around noon-ish. Joe and Emma are coming with me -- I'm away from my little girl so much that I can't stand to be away from her much more. Luckily, APA is paying my way and the hotel so all it is going to cost us is Joe's plane ticket and his food.

My "little" girl is going to be 2 very, very soon. Someone tell time to stop moving!

Pumpkin Fun

So you know we went picking pumpkins...


And last night we carved them and put them on the porch. Emma was SO excited. She loves the pumpkins, and the little gourds we got with them.


Then she decided to get silly. She'll even say "Silly Emma!"


She thought it would be great fun to go over to "Momma Pumpkin" and give it a kiss.



Then she went to the "Daddy Pumpkin" to give that a kiss.




Sometimes the best things in life are free... like a hug and a great smile. And a pumpkin kiss!



I also finished an afghan that I've been working on for years. I purchased this yarn after seeing the free pattern in the store in 2008 -- back when I was pregnant with the first baby and before I knew he/she was gone. I put that yarn away for almost a year, and then started working on it again in September 2009. I've worked on it on and off since then, but just completed it tonight. It's HUGE -- over 7ft long. Weighs a ton, but so warm and awesome. I love it. It's going to a friend in North Dakota (very appropriately!).

October 15th

Today is Infant Loss and Remembrance Day. I'm supposed to light a candle for each of my losses at 7pm to participate in the wave of light around the world. Except at 7pm I was putting my one living angel to bed, and I don't have 6 candles in the house. Not even close.

But I remember. I will ALWAYS remember. And my heart breaks every time I remember my six children that never made it past the first trimester.

I had my HSG this past week. Everything looked great -- no scar tissue and both tubes open. I got my bloodwork results back also. My FSH looked reasonable (5.6 instead of 9.9 like it was at its highest) but my AMH was terrible. Significantly bad -- 0.4. "Normal" is 2-3. It means I virtually have NO ovarian reserve left. Devastating to hear, and I haven't been myself since I learned this information. I've got to grieve the loss of my dream, my life-long dream of having two children running around and watching them grow and be there for each other. At this point we can't even afford adoption. Joe still doesn't have a job after 5 months, and things don't look hopeful.

Miracles happen, I know they do. I've got one sleeping upstairs right now. Maybe we'll get lucky again, or maybe we'll muddle through and this one amazing little girl will be all we can handle.

21 Months Old

I've been negligent in getting photos and updates here, but life has been crazy busy. Tomorrow is the first day of the quarter, and first day of my new full-time job at the college. It's actually a pay cut for me (for anyone out there thinking I'm moving up in the world); the only reason I took it is to (1) get away from the politics and annoying habits of my current job and (2) for the benefits. I'm teaching 6, yes SIX classes. 35 students per class. That's a lot of grading. On top of that, I'm going to maintain two days at my current job. I'm glad to have work, yes I am. Am I glad to be working as much as I will be? Not at all. It takes away from my time with Emma, while Joe still is unemployed -- starting month #5 now. No bites on any jobs.

But Emma is my sunshine. She talks in 3-4 word sentences. She knows the street, city and state where she lives. She knows the names of most of the children in her classroom at daycare. She's a daredevil and can slide down the highest slide at our nearby playground. She climbs the stairs on her own (without permission, sneaky girl!) and can come back down on her own (on her rear though). She jumps, she skips, and she loves to spin. She is doing pretend play with her toys. The other day she surprised us by counting to 10. And she wants me to point at each word when I'm reading her bedtime stories ("Goodnight Moon" and "The Snowy Day").

I love her hugs and kisses. She knows that kisses makes boo-boos all better. She's still not sleeping through the night, but she'll sleep from 8:30 - 1am, and then settles down quickly in our bed and sleeps until 5:30-6 usually. She never sleeps more than 10 hours at night, and usually gets about 2 hours at daycare. She seems happy and energetic. The girl EATS. Oh. My. Goodness. The other day I decided to make home-made donuts. She must have eaten 10 donut holes all at once. She loves to help me bake and she enjoys the mess. I enjoy the mess. :) Nothing like watching my little girl covered in flour and dough and giggling the whole time. We even made home-made play-doh the other day and delighted in making faces and then squishing them with our hands.

She's pushing the boundaries, but she's respectful and knows when she's hurt our feelings. We share and ask her to share, we're teaching her to be gentle and loving, but she's an energetic and passionate child. She's going to be challenging, but I'm trying to savor every moment. I don't know if we'll ever have another child, so I'm trying to memorize all these. It just sucks that I get so little time with her. I get from 5:30 - 8 every night and then the weekends. I won't get morning snuggles anymore because I'll need to be out of the house by 7am. But I'll take what I can get.

TTC#2 update

We lost another one. This is miscarriage #6. This one started with a heartbeat but was measuring behind. Nothing left today other than a yolk sac that was breaking down. OB is heartbroken, I'm heartbroken. I have to make a decision about how hard to try to keep going with this until I give up.

Grandpa Miller

We miss him so much. I miss my parents very much. My Mom would have loved these pictures.

20 Months Old!

Not sure what to update.... we went to Kansas for a week to visit Grandpa Miller, Uncle Chuck and Aunt Bobbie, Uncle Rich, and Cousins Heather and Lauren. Heather and Lauren came back to Ohio with us -- first plane ride! I'll post pictures of their trip later.

Emma is the same height and weight as she has been -- I've not noticed any changes in about 5-6 months. But she's meeting her developmental milestones, so that's a good thing. She has a vocabulary of over 100 words at this point, she's making 3-4 word sentences, and she's running, climbing and jumping. She's my amazing little miracle.

Summer Pictures

Just a few to share....

Daddy supervising Emma while she was "sorting" Mommy's crochet hooks.


Emma underneath the maple tree that we grew from a seed. We told her that it was "tickling" her when she passed under it (because the branches are so low and the leaves touched her head), so every time she ran under it, she started giggling.

We had a great time today with my friend Mary and her daughter Elyse, who is only 6 months older than Emma. The girls had a fantastic time, and I did take a few pictures. Emma definitely needs a playmate!

19 Months

Didn't I *just* post her 18-month update? It feels like I did, anyway. Not much has changed, her weight is staying stable but she seems to be getting taller (she can reach more things that she couldn't before). She's talking, talking, talking and every day can say more and more words. I can't even keep count anymore.

We're slowly but surely getting the sleep thing better. Last night she slept in her "big girl bed" (converted the crib into a day bed that's about 10 inches off the floor) from 8pm until 3:15am with not one peep. But at 3:15 she came into the room and wanted into bed with me, and then wanted to talk and play. I finally had to leave the room at 4:15 and let Joe take over so I could get a little more sleep. She went back to sleep and slept until 6:30 though. The night before she only made it until 1:15 until she was in our room. I'm not sure the difference, but who knows. I'm taking it one day at a time.

She's amazing, this little girl of mine. Not because she's "better" or "more special" than other kids, but just because she's amazing to ME. Every day I look at her with awe and wonder, and am grateful for the blessing she is in my life.

I'll try to post some new pictures once she goes to bed tonight.

Peaceful

It is the calm before the storm, in a way. Things have been going ok since my last post. I'm heading to DC tomorrow for a 2-day meeting, so Joe and Emma get 48 hours together (although she'll be at daycare on Friday). I hope they do ok -- they did my last meeting. Then there are 3 weeks of calm before our Kansas trip. I'm anxious about the trip, but looking forward to it.

I need to get pictures edited and uploaded, but here are a few videos from the 4th that I thought I'd share.

Fourth of July

We had a wonderful weekend that I will blog more about soon, but here are some pictures to enjoy in the short term.