Dancing and Drawing

Emma's had two little fun milestones lately. She's learned how to "dance" more effectively by going in a circle. And sometimes she'll hold Mommy's hand and we'll go in a circle together, it's really cute.

The drawing things is AWESOME! She just really learned what a pencil and crayon were this past Monday, and since then we spend time every day drawing. So far it's mostly a scribble, but I'm so happy because she's (1) not putting the crayons in her mouth as much as we thought she might, and (2) she seems to really, really enjoy it! She'll take her crayon and her paper, and climb up on the couch and stay there for the better part of half an hour sometimes.

Video proof! :)

Drawing (and climbing)



And dancing!

Mom's Birthday

Some 13-Month Videos

Sorry it's been a while, but I've finally uploaded some videos to share.

Sunday, January 30th. We went to the park to release some birthday balloons that had a card and a rose tied to them for Grandma. We decided to go down to the playground area and see what Emma would think of it. She didn't play much, but she liked being outside.



This was Saturday, Feb. 12th. We went to the Lincoln Theater here in Columbus to watch the Columbus Jazz PB&J concert. It was so crowded, but a lot of fun. Emma really loves jazz.



Not sure which day this was, but she was just hanging out after playing. The position she was in just cracked me up so much.



Today, Feb 13th, we went to the Columbus Art Museum. It's free on Sundays, and they have an entire room of interactive art for the kids. Emma had a fantastic time, and we plan on going back a lot!

Hugs

A picture is worth a thousand words!

Quiet

While I have a moment in between clients and other various things, I thought I'd take a moment to just think outloud. There are only a few moments of quiet in my day, which is actually a really good thing right now. One quiet moment is when I wake up before Emma is up and the next is when I'm rocking her to sleep in the evenings. Why is it a good thing there's few quiet moments? Because if it's not quiet, I'm not thinking. I'm either running after her, fixing dinner, working on paperwork, grading papers, checking emails, crocheting, etc. I don't have to think or feel anything in particular other than what is going on in that moment.

In the quiet moments is when I cry and miss my Mom. My mind wanders to the last time we talked, to what she looked like in the casket, and how Emma's memories of her are already fading. I haven't done much updating here because I get tearful, thinking that this blog was primarily for my Mom and now she's not reading it. I don't know what to write, I really don't know what things to share. I do know others come to the blog and check out things but it's just not the same. This blog was her link to her granddaughter. As was Skype.

I'll try to do a better job and post more, but please readers, understand that this is harder than I realized it would be to keep going here. We haven't even taken as many pictures or videos as we did before, which I want/need to keep doing. Low motivation combined with grief is not a great combo. I'll get there, I promise, but things are still raw.

13 Month Update

Just a few updates as Emma is now 13 months and 6 days old.

*Somewhere while we were in Kansas, she grew an inch. We measured her at 31 inches tall now.

*She's been eating solids like a pro, I plan on weighing her on Saturday morning before we go to Toddler Yoga and will update at that point.

*We've increased our vocabulary. She says Dadda, Momma, Kitty, Delilah, Gramma, Aunt, Up, Done, Pretty, and Hi. I think she said Ball and Play the other day but I'm not sure.

*She's climbing more safely and independently. She can get down from our bed without help and easily, and she can get up the stairs quickly. She still needs adult help to get down, however.

*Last, but not least, we got our letter today to transition to the next room up at daycare! I'm having mixed feelings. She loves her caregivers in the Infant room, but she's been physically ready to move to the Toddler room for a couple of months now. We start the transition on Monday, and they do a gentle transition over a 2-week period.

Emma Wants to be a Kitty?

I think Emma wants to be a kitty. :)

Emma the Snow Toddler

OK, so I've been lazy (or just happy to let Mary do all the posting) and have yet to post here, but I'm finally getting around to it. In future posts, I'll put up some fancy-schmancy photos of Little Miss Trouble, but for today, I'm going to keep it simple.

First, a refresher.

Almost exactly 50 weeks ago, during a February snow-dump, we had the bright idea to take our then-7-week-old daughter out to pose for a picture next to the snowman we had built (why did we build the snowman? because the snow was there). Yeah, luckily DCFS wasn't in the neighborhood, and we got this photo of Emma really "enjoying herself" in the snow.

Well, today the weathermorons got the forecast right: we got 5-6 inches of powdery white stuff (the kind that Lindsay Lohan doesn't snort). So we took our precious, delicate little flower outside... and this time, there were no screams, just laughter. Video below (warning: cuteness may cause dizziness and/or headache!)

Kansas Kitties

Doesn't matter where we go, Emma loves kitties. This was a little bright spot in our trip to Kansas.

Tribute To My Mom

I know I'll never be able to put into words how I feel about my Mom, nor how much I desperately miss her. But I know that writing helps me move through my grief -- it helped me with my miscarriages and the loss of my kitties, so I'm going to try and write now.

One of my earliest memories of my Mom is of her warmth. Whenever she would put me to bed and we would say our prayers, she would rub my back or stroke my hair, and her hands were warm and would soothe me. When we were in church, she would put her arm around me during the sermon and when it was over, I would miss her arm because it was so warm and comforting. Even when I got older, I loved to get hugs from my Mom and cuddle with her. She was a warm person, loving and unconditionally accepting of all people and all things. She loved without reservation. Even when us kids got under her skin, were terribly mouthy and caused trouble, she loved us.

My Mom was patient and kind. She got frustrated, of course. When I went into the nursing home field in graduate school, we would exchange stories about stressful times -- but despite those stresses, she was patient with her residents and didn't raise her voice, didn't tell them she wouldn't help them, none of that. She went out of her way to do things other nurses wouldn't do, like change a dirty undergarment or hold someone's hand. Her residents loved her. She was so proud when she earned employee of the month at her last work site, and that card is still hanging up in her room at home.

Mom at her dorm room in Beloit

I hope my Mom knows how proud of her I am. I told her, over and over again. She went back to work when we were all in high school, and then went back to school. She had always wanted to be a nurse, and finally got to fulfill her dream. She worked HARD in school -- she struggled to keep up with the younger kids, and felt her memory wasn't good enough. But she kept working and not only did she get her LPN and her RN, but she was close to the top of her class. She LOVED working as a nurse. I think this is one of the reasons she was so depressed after she broke her femur and learned that she wouldn't be able to work again. For some reason after that surgery to repair the leg, she never was able to breathe easily again (not that the long years of smoking didn't probably add to the damage) and had to go on oxygen 24-7, and her breathing progressively got worse. She couldn't crochet, she couldn't play with her grandkids, and she restricted herself to the home because she was embarrassed about the oxygen tubing and her weight.

Mom at her RN graduation with Dad

But she was getting better after Emma's birth. We brought her a new computer in June when we went home for Emma's baptism, and just recently (maybe September?) Dad got her high-speed internet. She was able to Skype with us frequently -- almost every-other night -- and got to see Emma walking, playing, talking, and interacting with her. I loved it because I was able to see her and touch base with her often, hear what was going on at the farm and how she'd been doing. For the first time since I moved to Ohio, I felt re-connected with her. Emma recognized her too. We'd say "where's Grandma?" and she'd go to the computer and wave. She even would say "Hi Grandma" in her own way. It broke my heart when we went to the funeral home to see Mom for the last time, and Emma not only recognized her, but waved at her.

There are a million stories, a million reasons why I love my Mom. A few years ago I wrote "100 reasons I love my Mom," printed it out and gave it to her as a gift. I'm glad I did that before it was too late. Maybe I'll post it here someday. My heart breaks every time I think about her being gone. It was just 2 weeks ago this evening that I talked to her for the last time, and then a few hours later, she was gone. I miss her SO much.

Am I ok? No, not really. I will be someday. But for right now, I'm just lost without her.

Mom's RN graduation picture

Goodbye 2010, Welcome 2011!

2010 was a year of firsts. First joys with Emma, first smiles, first laughs, first steps, first hugs. First milestones as a family. First challenges as a married couple. But we made it. The door to 2010 is closing, and I'm glad to put it in the history books. Why? Because despite the joyful year with my daughter, I still spent 2010 feeling like a bitter infertile woman. Feeling secretly jealous of friends who got pregnant (even though I was desperately happy for them). Wondering if I would ever get to feel the amazement of being pregnant again, or whether this was "IT" for me. I pray that God will help me find a way to let go of all that long-held sadness and be content with what I have.

2011 will continue to be a year of first, but also a year of renewed joy as Emma grows and as I throw myself back into my life as a mother, wife, and psychologist. I've made some choices to start spending a few evenings a month away from Emma so that I can become a better teacher, and thinking of possibly starting to apply for jobs at colleges. I want to become more well-rounded as a human being, taking care of my physical, emotional and spiritual health. Emma and I will start toddler/mommy yoga in late January as a way to start my physical health focus, I'm going to spend more time meditating and journaling to take care of my emotional health, and I think it's time to try and go back to church, and see if I can find a home church that will help my spiritual needs. I really want Emma to know church also -- to hear the hymns and learn the stories that I learned as a child.

More than anything, I would like peace. Peace in my heart, peace in the world, and peace for all that suffer. That's not asking too much, is it?

Long-Needed Update on Sleep

Ahhh.... my gorgeous girl got my lovely thin, very static-y hair. Very cute though!


I've been meaning to type a short post on sleep issues again. Not bad things, just an update. So we pretty much gave up for the short-term on having Emma fall asleep on her own in the crib. It was stressful for all of us, and between the teeth, then the illness, and everything else, we changed the routine. Now I just rock her to sleep and put her in the crib.

Amazingly enough, it's working like a charm. We do our bedtime ritual, I nurse her, we read a story, I turn off the light and sing her nighttime song, and then we rock. It typically takes 4-5 minutes for her to fall asleep and then I get my warm Emma cuddles for another 5-10 minutes and put her in the crib. She'll sleep there -- WITHOUT a peep!! -- for a good 2 1/2 - 3 hours. She had been waking up screaming after the first 50-60 minutes in the crib and then taking another 30 minutes to get back to sleep, so this is a huge step forward.

We bring her to bed and I'll dream-feed her, and then we go to sleep. This is where it's still been challenging. She still wakes every 3-4 hours and wants to feed, and I've been starting the night-weaning process but each time I do, it seems like something comes up. The first time it was her gums swelling and we thought her molars were starting to come in. Then it was this virus that took all three of us down. But now we're back on track. Last night was terrible, but the night before.... she slept (drumroll please....) for 6 hours without any problems!!! Unfortunately I was still up every 2 hours between the call of nature and some insomnia, but it was wonderful.

Another step forward is how long she sleeps. She had been waking up when I got out of bed for work, or sometimes waking at 5am for random reasons. But lately she'll sleep typically until 7am, and sometimes even until 8am! We're averaging 12 hours a night. That, plus her one nap (lasting on average an hour and a half), I feel like she's doing ok.

I'm confident that in the next few months that I'll be able to drop the 1am and 3am feedings (she doesn't do the 1am one half the time already unless she's ill or teething), and I'm hopeful to drop the 10pm one after that. So that would meaning nursing at 7pm when we're getting ready for bed and then nursing at 6am when we wake up for the day.

It would be *glorious* if I could get 8 hours of sleep in a row. I fantasize about sleep still, and the longest I've slept in a row since she was born was 4 hours, but I'm also learning how to cope with limited sleep and how to go back to sleep faster after she does pop off from nursing.

And so this isn't a word-only post, here's my gorgeous little girl wearing her supper. We had turkey, pasta with sauce, and mango soy yogurt, LOL.

MmmMmmm.... Yogurt!

Emma does love yogurt! (soy, of course) Daddy thinks she looks a little like Colonel Sanders in this picture.

Merry Christmas 2011

Merry Christmas!

Somehow we survived Christmas Eve, thank goodness. On Wednesday, Emma had vomiting and had to stay home from daycare. By Thursday, the vomiting was gone and she had diarrhea all day, poor thing. She was a trooper through the whole thing. But by Friday night/Saturday morning, Mommy and Daddy had the virus she had brought home. Daddy started vomiting at midnight on Friday night/Saturday morning, and I started around 4:30am. He was done vomiting by noon but was completely wiped out from no sleep. He and Emma took me to urgent care by 8:30am (they open at 8am and had already had 4 cases similar to mine) and they gave me an anti-nausea shot and some IV fluids. Despite that, and repeated doses of the med, I kept throwing up what little was in my stomach until about 8pm last night; the diarrhea has slowed down for me now. Even water wouldn't stay down yesterday. Poor Emma -- both parents were lying on the couch in a stupor. We barely had the energy to change her diaper and feed her. But she mostly self-entertained and didn't destroy too much of the house. I'm proud of my baby girl for handling it the way she did. Ugh... it's the sickest I've been in probably 12 years.

This morning we're mostly recovered. We got up and opened gifts, and spread them out through the day. She got a lot of presents -- with her birthday so close to Christmas, there's a LOT in the house, but we plan on taking 80% of the gifts and storing them in her closet, and then bringing out something new every month (and putting something back in). I'll try to list all the presents here (birthday and otherwise) later so I can remember them all for thank-you cards! :) But in the short term, thank you every one for your generosity! She's had a fabulous day.

One Year Updates

At our ped appointment today, Emma was 29 1/2 inches tall (I think she's probably 30 inches tall but she was very squirmy when they were measuring her), and 19 lbs 11 oz. She would have weighed more, but she woke to vomit this morning at 4am, 4:45am, and then vomited on the way to daycare all of her breakfast (around 8:30) and then threw up again around 9am. I did what I needed to at work and came back to be with her, and she hadn't thrown up again today, but we're just taking it light on the solids and giving her lots of momma milk.

She's walking with ease, climbing up on things, and has learned how to get down safely from the couch and the bed. She grabs with her fingers and has her pincher grip mastered, and can easily transfer things from one hand to another.

She loves food! Her new favorite is hummous, cheerios, yogurt (soy) and of course, cake! She really enjoys chicken and butternut squash. And she's loving strawberries and grapes. We're still breastfeeding (YAY!) and she probably nurses 4-5 times a day and 2-3 times a night. We are starting the night weaning process (disrupted by the vomiting last night, of course).

We haven't had more than 4 hours of sleep in a row since she was born (with that one exception of a 5-hour stretch) where she rouses enough to cry and want to nurse. I am looking forward to her sleeping 8 hours in a row without crying or searching for my boob in the night!

She's talking more and more. She says Momma, Dadda, Kitty, Delilah, Samson, More, All Done, Banana, and today she said "Good Nap" after we were done with her nap. She mimics our words more frequently.

I can't believe the cognitive leaps she's making. At daycare she "helps quite a bit. They ask her to go get a bib out of the drawer and bring it to them, and she will. The other day her primary caregiver asked her if she was tired and wanted to take a nap, and Emma walked over to her crib and waited for Cathy to pick her up and put her in it. She'll pick out her own coat. She pushes her arms and legs through sleeves and pantlegs to help us get her clothing on. She walks all the way out of her classroom, through the building at daycare, and out to my car on her own (she knows which one it is).

She is absolutely a joy and a blessing for us. Everywhere we go, people smile and wave at her, and she likes to wave and smile back. As long as I'm within sight, she has virtually no stranger anxiety. She LOVES other babies (I hope we can give her a brother or sister someday).

I'm excited about our 4 days off together. Hopefully we'll take lots of pictures and get lots of cuddle time. I love my little girl. :)

Birthday Cake, Part 2

Happy Birthday!

My miracle child is one year old today. 12 months. 365 days. I'm still in awe that this little person came out of my body, and that she's thriving so well. I'll do a developmental/growth update tomorrow after her pediatrician's appointment, but let's just say that she's had some cognitive leaps lately that just surprise me. We didn't have the best night last night (I'm starting to night wean her and it's not going great) but it's still wonderful to have her cuddling with me.

Long day at work for Mommy, but I'm sending over cupcakes for daycare and then we'll open presents tonight when I get home. Hope to take and upload pictures later!

Just a Year Ago....

I was sitting in my living room, bouncing on my exercise ball and timing my contractions. We left for the hospital a few hours from now. Tonight I'm watching my baby girl sleep, preparing for a long (long, long, long!) day at work tomorrow, and wondering at the amazing changes in such a short year. I hope to have time to post some pictures and update tomorrow. My little one is turning ONE YEAR OLD!!

Early Birthday Party!

We had Emma's birthday party today -- it was a nice time! We didn't have a big party, just a few close friends, and it was really nice. Here's a few videos.

Preparing for the party!



Yummy Cake!!






Done with cake.... SO full!

Emma's Christmas Dress

We had Emma wear this pretty dress to daycare yesterday, partly because we don't really have any Christmas parties to "dress up" for, but also because there was a sing-a-long at daycare and we thought it would be nice if she could dress up for that. She looked so much like a little girl instead of a baby!