Momma Lion

I really had my first, very fierce protective moment with Emma today. I dropped her off around 8:30 this morning, and picked her up around 5:30pm. When I got to daycare and stepped in the front door, I could hear her crying. That is not unusual, in and of itself, because she typically gets tired and fussy at the end of a long day away from us; however, this was a horrible, screaming, I'm-at-the-end-of-my-rope cry.

I go in to the Infant I room and she's in a bouncer chair, by herself, her face is *bright* red and she is screaming at the top of her lungs. She has snot streaming down her face and dried boogers under her nose. Her pacifier has been spit out (how long ago? who knows) and her bottle of milk is sitting on the floor next to her. The daycare worker is drying her hands and says "I was just getting ready to feed her."

My mouth fell open. I sent 3 bottles of milk with Emma today. Only 3, each with three ounces in them. And here it is, 5:30 pm and she's only just now using the 3rd? I flipped out.... inside, anyway. All I could say was "that's so not ok, what happened?" And then "I'm here, I'll just breastfeed her."

So the daycare worker is trying to say that Emma napped when she normally would have fed and that's why everything is delayed, and I'm trying to calm her down because she's hysterical. I finally get her calmed down, and she nurses a little bit but won't stay latched on... I give up and just rock her and calm her more. Once I get up and go back to the main area, that daycare worker is gone. Left for the day.

For what it's worth, what was written down was that Emma took a nap until 10:20am. She got a diaper change at 10:25, and then her first bottle at 10:30 -- which is 3 1/2 hours after I fed her at home (at 7am). Ok, that's ok.... not great, but ok. Then she slept from 11:40 until 1:45. So sure, she slept through what would have been her next feeding at 1:30..... EXCEPT they didn't feed her until 2:30!!!!! That is SO not ok!! On top of that, she went 4 hours without a diaper change and they're supposed to change her every 2 hours.

Top that with this cherry.... they didn't write down how many ounces she drank each time, nor did it appear that she slept at all after 1:45 (which again, is NOT ok).

I'm proud of myself for not flipping out and losing my temper with the daycare worker who was there, who is not Emma's primary caregiver during the day. I'm proud of myself for not stomping into the administrator's office and screaming at the top of my lungs. But I'm still VERY upset and angry that my little girl was left so long without food, and in that dirty diaper.

Guess what Momma found when I got home? Oh yes... diaper rash. Angry, red rash on her bottom from sitting in that disposable.

I want to trust the primary caregiver. I like her, and she's a mother herself of 2 babies that come to this daycare. She's been fabulous with Emma before now, and I know there are other babies to be taken care of too. But again, there's so much about this that is not ok, and I plan on discussing it with her tomorrow.

It does reinforce my desire to be full-time at the other daycare that will let us use the cloth diapers, and will keep frozen breastmilk there at the daycare in case they need extra, and they have a better staff-to-infant ratio too. But we're still waiting for the opening, probably June.

I just keep seeing her little red, tear-streaked, booger-filled face in my mind, and I feel horribly guilty for not being able to be there to protect her, to feed her and keep her feeling loved. I know I can't protect her from all the horrible things in the world, but an infant should at least be clean, dry, and fed. We'll see what happens when I take her in tomorrow, see what the primary caregiver says about today and the feedings.

Mommy needs to take a few more very slow, deep breaths.... and just probably go to bed early and snuggle with my little girl.